I used to think I wanted what I could not have, but that is a load of crock. When it comes to dating, that is what people tell you if you are single, picky, or end up talking to unavailable guys. It is an excuse people throw at you to justify your actions. Now, I cannot speak for others who might actually be going after guys or things they cannot have, but it does not pertain to me anymore. I let myself be fooled into thinking it was my fault and that I must not want the right guys, but in reality, it is not my fault. Us girls need to stop thinking it is our fault we are single. I will no longer blame myself for the stupidity of a guy’s actions.
((SIDENOTE: This can pertain to both males or females, so no, I am not picking sides or calling out the opposite sex. I am only speaking from experience.))
People ask, “Why are you and your friends single?” In return, I should ask, “Why are you married?” “Why did you pick HIM?” “Why did you have children?” These are all valid questions, but you do not hear us singles asking non-single people these questions. So why is it okay for people to constantly question the uncommitted?
If you, yourself, are wondering why, I can spew out so many dating examples over the last three years it would make your stomach churn and lose all faith in humanity. Or at least our generation and their lack of commitment and dating skills. Do not get me wrong. I have made my own mistakes, broken hearts, cared about people, and gotten my heart broken. But that does not mean I intentionally lie, cheat, scam, or hurt people. I am very honest with how I feel and where I stand on topics; sometimes I think that is my downfall.
After my last meaningful relationship, I had not one, but two guys date me that were emotionally unavailable. Both having just been cheated on by ex-fiancées, I should have seen “rebound” being thrown as a label onto my forehead. Along with them, I have dated many guys who were not emotionally ready to care about someone, not even themselves. For these guys of my past, I will forgive them. I, too, have not been ready to give my heart away, because I was still working on my own life and happiness.
It’s the “physically” unavailable guys that I could kick off the side of the Earth. I have seen guys cheat on my friends, lie to them, hurt them, play them, manipulate them, use them… the list could go on. I could have kicked many jackasses in the name of the people I care about. Then, the more I dated, the more I observed this shadiness face-to-face. One guy gave me the whole “helpless, lonely, I’m super sweet act.” Living in a small town, people talk and give their opinions about whether you should date someone or not. In this guy’s case, he had many friends rooting for him. So I said, sure, why not, I’ll give him a chance. Next thing I know, his ex kindly approached me, only for me to find out he was trying to date us both. After her and I consulted, we found out he was feeding us the same stories/lies, and trying to make each other look crazy when we confronted him. After many fake tears, and still giving him the benefit of the doubt, he still continued to try to date both of us. And yet, he was a “nice guy.”
Another guy that everyone kept telling me to give a chance because he was a “nice guy” was a close friend since high school and someone who everyone thinks is “the sweetest guy on Earth” turns out to be the biggest liar on Earth. He has tried dating me since high school, making up elaborate stories so I pity him, lying to other people I care about in my life to get rid of them, and hurting the people in their lives. This guy tried with me again recently, telling me all the perfect things girls want to hear: that we are special, the only one for them, that we are amazing, make them feel like the only person in the world, buying flowers, dates, tickets to fun events, so on and so forth. Except, he has an ex fiancée on the side. Anytime I told him we had no chance, he would go back to her. The slightly friendly action I would show him (friendly, I said friendly, not romantic), he would drop her. In the end, her and I had an adult conversation and realized he was lying, making up stories, and being psychotic to both of us. Thankfully, I never pursued him nor wanted anything romantic with him.
Then there’s another winner. For years he has tried with me… flirting, asking to see me, venting about his significant other, saying how “perfect of a Portuguese housewife” I would be, saying I am one of his closest friends, talking to me day in and day out, etc. Now, in this case, I did know he had someone, so I would not interfere and be a home-wrecker. We were friends, and remained that way for years. Whenever I would have someone, he would give me a hard time, as if it was a crime that I was dating other people. Whenever I was single, he would give me a story, lies actually, about how his significant other moved out or they broke up. Now, give me a break. I enjoyed this guy’s conversation. And at first, I believed it. Hell, other people validated his stories, or should I say lies, so why wouldn’t I believe a “nice guy?” Nice guy, nice family, nice job, similar values, and so on. So I gave him a chance, only to find out the significant other was always in the picture and never left the picture. We can call me stupid on this one, but why would he continue for years trying to play both me and his significant other? You either want them or you do not. You either want a chance with me or you do not. You are not getting both. End. Of. Story. Period.
I have had wonderful guys show up in my life, become my friend, try doing anything and everything for me so they can “prove” how “amazing” I am. Well, BULLSHIT. Anytime I slightly show interest back in these men, I find out they have someone, or just want a hook-up after all that hard work they put in, or they are engaged, or married, or whatever lie these guys throw my way. One guy ignores the fact that he is engaged and still wants something on the side with me; no sir, that is called a side-chick. And no, I will not take that title. Thank you! Another one was married and wanted me to hook him up with friends. Um, no, they too have been hurt, and are not a piece of meat, but thank you, come again. Some have had girlfriends, told me how much they care about me, and act like we have a chance, but in the end I know not to pursue it due to their situations. I’m happy I dodge these assholes, but do other girls forgive that easily after being hurt year after year after year? Many of my examples have been taken back by their significant others that know perfectly well how they behave. Why, why, do people let themselves be treated this way? But then I am the picky one for not wanting to put up with such disgraceful behavior? But then even giving a “nice guy” the benefit of the doubt and getting to know him backfires in my face, so who am I to believe?
Why, why, why do men do this? (Or women, again, can go both ways). Why must people lie, be insensitive, and be plain assholes? Clearly they can continue doing it if they get what they want. What is that saying, “Why buy the cow if the milk is free?” My cheesy line to these people is, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too,” so they just move on, knowing they can get it from someone else. I am so sick of being in ridiculous dating situation after dating situation. Why can’t we have opportunities to go on normal dates? Take me out to dinner, for a stroll, to a movie, whatever, just make it mean something! I don’t even care if nothing comes out of it but a civil interaction or a funny story, but stop thinking that “hey let’s meet up” or “come over” is a valid way to ask a girl out. And the nice ones? I am sorry, but even the few nice ones that I have dated have rushed, and no exaggeration, RUSHED, to the topic of marriage and children on the first date. Whoa now, just because I want something serious and I am romantic does not mean I want clingy, psycho, guy who does not even know me and wants to have my babies.
I have heard and seen it happen to many of my friends, male and female. People lying, leading each other on, using one another, hooking up with multiple people. People I know that blatantly cheat on their girlfriends and/or their side-chick, both of them knowing this is going on, and yet, they both let it continue. People share with me their faulty actions and, yet, think it is okay. People have left the people I love the most hanging dry at the worst moments of their lives. People change their minds more than they change their underwear. How in the world is it so easy to throw around these “right” words and use the word “love” when in reality, so many people are full of stinking shit. Shouldn’t we be blaming the men and not each other as females? Shouldn’t we want more for ourselves and not settle? Shouldn’t we want someone to compliment us, not complete us?
So you ask, my friend, why are you single Anita? Why are you so bitter, shut-off, cold, and close-minded to dating? Why won’t you give these nice guys a chance Anita?
Because I do, people. I date. I am open-minded. I talk to many people, meet many people, keep my options open, and do not judge or shut anyone down. I am friendly, interact with new people I meet, and give everyone a chance. Yes, I have stopped dating for awhile, but it is not because I am bitter or picky. It is becaue I am happy. Happy to have a good job, my family, my friends, my hobbies, my health, and my sanity, despite dealing with these psycho dating situations. My friends are amazing women, strong, intelligent, funny, well-rounded, and also open and honest. But do not tell me or them we should be married by now. Do not tell me “he’s such a nice guy,” when he fudged over his girlfriend last weekend. Do not tell me I am picky when I am better than settling for someone who is going to hurt me. I know what I want and I am finally at a happy place in my life. Why would I let a man ruin that? When so many of us were raised with such positive relationships from our parents, and such amazing fathers, why wouldn’t we expect something half as amazing as that? Maybe that is our weakness. We actually expect something meaningful, honest, and real to come our way.
It's the Little Things... 